Most people I talk to groan when I mention meditating, or start mumbling when I ask them how they meditate. Even myself, well, I get claustrophobic if I focus on my breathe too seriously and start hyperventilating. The feeling of fear that comes up in me from not feeling comfortable doing meditative breathing cancels out any good I would receive from meditation.
This fear made me look for other ways to meditate besides breathing. I got into saying a mantra, which weirdly worked best for me when I counted to 4 in Korean. Then when I learned that we create our reality by our emotions and our words, I realized it makes more sense to have a mantra that creates the world you want to have around you. That brings out the best.
Still, words seemed to bring more chaos into my mind, and makes it harder for me to go to the space of no thought, no connection. I have always used a fan sound to get to sleep, so when Ester Hicks said that she meditated to the sound of a fan, it rang true for me too. I now meditate to a fan. I send my consciousness into the integrate sounds of the fan, the rich texture of the air swirling around. Of course, I would fall out of it, start thinking, but then go back into it. The longer I meditate to a fan noise, the better I get at it. I can feel the outline of my body, feel safe, complete with the support of the Universe by my side.
Then I had a thought, “I’ve had this feeling before”. Not for a long time, it was when I was a child. I was the youngest child, younger than my brother or sister by more than a decade. So when I went somewhere with my parents in the car, I got to be in the backseat. I would stretch out across the entire back seat, and feel safe that my parents were driving. I had nothing to do or worry about until we got to where we were going. I loved the sound of the car, the feel of the road underneath, the knowing that my parents were safe and in charge in the front seat.
That’s what meditation is, focusing on something so completely that you cease to exist. Of course when you think- “I’ve got it!” You come out of the void and exist again. Then you focus and you go back in again. It is a practice. You don’t stay there that long, but with practice it gets longer. You can do the same thing with a physical exercise, like running, doing karate kata’s, or posting on a horse. There becomes a time when you go into flow; you are one with all things.
When I was little, my parents never got me a babysitter but took me everywhere with them. They took a vacation once a year and drove down to Tampa Florida to see my Dad’s aunt and uncle. I came along, and lived in the backseat the entire trip. My parents would buy fireworks and oranges in Florida. The fireworks went in the trunk, and there were so many oranges that they filled the floor of the back seat.
I was only five the first time we went. I remember I created this magic game. I would lie down, and make up a story while I was falling asleep. Then I would dream the ending, and it would be a surprise! It was so magical, because I would never know the ending. I would make up a story I loved so I would enjoy the whole thing thoroughly. I can’t do this anymore, or more accurately I haven’t tried in a long time.
However, my love of focusing on and meditating to a sound hasn’t left me. I have found the last few years I started focusing on it again (Ester Hicks says she meditates to the sound of a fan or heater). Ester saying it was a guaranteed way to meditate gave me permission to meditate that way myself. To focus on my breathing STILL isn’t relaxing to me, even all these years later. But focusing on a sound, a repetitive noise, that feels like coming home. It makes me feel safe. You have to feel safe to drop your ego and merge with all things. Remember that for deciding when and where you are going to meditate!
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