SWIM! (or how your inner 6 year-old is screwing with your life today)

We all, every single one of us, have between 30-40 angels and spirit guides. I lump them all together because it does not matter to me if they are a Virtue or seraphim, they are angels. They are beings of love, that surround us and whisper in our ear, put thoughts into our head, play a significant song on the radio, cause us to catch a snippet of the news that talks about something relevant to us that day. I mention this because I myself am finding myself in my current layer of demise or understanding like an onion half-peeled that shows up with a particularly hard layer to remove. This layer has been with me for quite some time, not noticeable with all the other flaws that shown more glaringly closer to the surface. But this episode of growth is even more critical because it is so faint, so subtle. Subtle in appearance perhaps, but with the hardness of a diamond when I look to remove it, and like a diamond, easier to see thru than see into.

I shared with you last week my inner child’s stubbornness or urge, to watch TV 24 hours a day and not have to go outside to do chores, not have to work. She has felt that not working would be a better choice for her for decades now and has resented every task, every goal, every project that has been piled upon her. I have felt that at times, this iron-clad hand I have over my inner child, the struggle to succeed & achieve winning out over the sloth of kicking back and watching TV with wild abandon. It seems so simple, the urge to not work, to ENJOY life- or what I considered enjoying life at that young age- watching TV and eating bon-bons (okay- substitute Reese’s peanut butter cups for bon-bons).

I have rules for my angels and guides, and I tell them how I interact with them (not like they need it because they are always with me- but it helps to give thoughts form). One of those rules is that if I have a question for them, they must answer it within 24 hours. That answer could be words from a person on TV, an ad on a billboard I drive by, a song on the radio, a picture or short video in my head. With so many guides, they choose ways to get their point across, and certain talents they excel at. If I wonder where an image is coming from, I ask the guides & myself. Many times I have to “say” something out loud to get an answer. When I am doing sessions for clients, 90% of the time when I ask the client a question, I receive the answer to that question from the guides before the client answers. I have to say the question out loud to receive the answer. For my own life, it is harder to pick out the messages from the guides and separate them from my ordinary day-to-day life.

When I first started, I knew that I was channelling because I would be talking about something I know nothing about. It is hard to know “nothing about” something that is in your own life. Instead, I have to “feel” the information and test if it is a memory or teaching. The more I work in this way, the more confident I feel with the information. I have come to trust the true north answer I receive from my higher self that is a “yes” or a “no” to a question at hand. It is not “my” answer, but the answer from the part of me that is with God (that is how the higher self is described to me, the part of us that is with God. Consider God a giant apartment building, and your higher self is apartment 10A)

For quite some time now, I have been receiving a short video vignette. It is of spring many years ago, when I was out riding horses with a friend, and I had my Border collie, Mandy with me. We were riding in the washes, probably about a 45-minute walk from home. The melting mountain snow was coming into the wash as cold, clear water. It ran about half of the width of the entire wash, 4-5 feet deep with a strong current. Astride the horses, we entered the Tanque Verde wash from a smaller wash, water juicing alongside us: continuing a path to lower gravity. Mandy jumped in the water, and she was passively being carried downstream. The water was deep enough and the current forceful enough that she was a great distance away in a matter of seconds.

Looking at her face, she was submitting to the current without struggle, like a buoy floating with the gravitational pull. I watched her for what seemed like hours, and in reality perhaps only seconds. She was getting smaller, her form shrinking. Mandy was a great swimmer, and I had no idea why she wasn’t swimming and getting out of the water. I was not panicked at first, knowing that she had the athletic ability to easily rescue herself from the water and the current. However, when she was becoming a distant memory, I screamed at her, “Mandy, swim damnit!” It seemed like hours before she snapped to reality, swam up the current back to me & pulled herself out of the water. I had a few seconds where I began wondering what to do, how I was going to save her from a riptide current of water. My words seemed to bring her back to reality, the task at hand, and the fact that she was supposed to be by my side, not sailing away to uncharted waters.

This scene flashes consistently in my mind: Mandy floating downstream and me having to scream “Swim damnit” to snap her out of it. I have come to realize that in this metaphor I am Mandy. I am floating downstream in semi-dangerous waters, being carried off course from my purpose by inaction. In my head, I scream: “swim dammit”, hoping that perhaps this is the time I will start the long steady strokes needed to get my new career and course on target. I know that it is not the question of whether or not I am capable. The feeling with it is more like things are not “dire” enough yet; I am not sufficiently scared of inertia and variation in the path by the inactivity. However, I also can feel that the situation could turn dangerous, even life-threatening if left for too long. Until today, I did not understand the total meaning of the vision. The guides are patient, they take their time: every few days I have been shown this vision, resulting in seeing it again and again for the last 5-9 months.

Today for the first time, I put the two bits of information together. I may have even done this before, but had not gotten the meaning of it totally. What is as clear as clean water is the fact that my “inner child” the one that experienced the “bon-bon” fantasy, has dropped the anchor on a ship of progress into my new career, much akin to having the safety brake on when driving a car. She has been sabotaging the new work for quite some time. Just as Mandy had drifted away downstream, floating further and further away from her purpose, I too, have been lagging behind. For close to a year, I have been wondering why I have not been excited about my new career. Why it was so hard to turn the TV off or leave the house even. Now I know. I have reached a layer of resistance that is a child not loved, a child that had to work and not complain about it, even though she wanted to have a day or two off in the week, or even in the month. It was not that I volunteered to do these chores and willingly participated. It was part of my life, a part that I could not say no to, just like eating, peeing or going to school.

I acknowledge this pain; hold her lack of parental attention, a celebration of life and sorrow up to God to heal. I turn overall emotional, physical and spiritual energy that I still have connected to either of those memories and ask universal law enforcement to balance the books, to bring accountability to the situations. . I ask God for the karma to be balanced, on both sides of the equation and between me and anyone who added to this schism inside me. I ask that where the feelings on those memories were, to be filled with a new joy, a love of God, and a knowing that I AM now protected, valued, loved That I can have both: the celebration of life, the being lazy and sloth-like coupled with the reliability and certainness of moving towards and with my purpose, swimming strong, with even sure strokes, that come from a knowing that it is where and who I should be.

If you are not on a similar life-changing path, do you know why? Do you have a passion that adds to the good in the world? Or are you just surviving? Does kicking back & enjoying life count as life-changing? Or, do you feel like you are just surviving? I know that if you feel like you are just surviving, your angels & guides would like to have a chat with you because that is not how they want you to roll!